Monday, April 26, 2010
messity mess mess. but not without hope.
so roommate came to visit all last week and we had some good chats about stuff as usual. and it got me thinking. and then tonight for fhe we had a little lesson dealio from a "relationship expert" about "bridging the gap" between the genders. yes, a good, well-intentioned activity. but i came away from it wondering if we dont sometimes create more gap by beating these dead horses. am i the only one that feels they have heard the "why do girls go to the bathroom in groups" question/joke a bajillion times? and heres the thing: im not that girl. i dont generally go to the bathroom unless i need to go the bathroom. i have always felt i was a little less compassionate, a little more selfish, perhaps a little heartless because of this. but i just am not a fan of silly things like that. anywho, thats a side note, but as i just sat and listened to this lady, whom i am sure has helped many a struggling couple find common ground, i couldnt help but feel that all this stuff is just too cliche and overgeneralized to be helpful really. havent we all heard this?! havent we all gotten the silly email forwards about "what guys want" and "why women do such and such" and whatnot? its not that we dont know these things. its that it takes a lot of effort to do it. just like relationships in general. and quite honestly, i really dont buy a lot of it. it was mentioned that men cant "multitask" and women can. well guess what people, i kinda sorta dont believe in multitasking at all. i am efficient, i get lots of things done, but for anyone to claim that they can listen to, process, and understand two different streams of auditory input at once is just rubbish. people, we have limited cognitive resources, and if we spread them too thin, doing too many things at once, the quality of something is going to suffer. plain and simple. you will make mistakes, you will screw things up if you really honestly do several things at once. thats a beef ive had for a long time, so there you go. now, yes, of course there are absolute differences in men and women. im certainly not saying there arent. im just thinkin that most of the strategies and "gap building" skills she was talking about are just basic, being a good person and a good communicator skills. yes, one could argue that i am of course a woman, and i am right now venting which is an ironic perfect example of what the lady was talking about tonight, that we women need to vent. and yes im a woman, which means communication is perhaps a bigger deal to me and thats why i focus on it, but i dont think its just that. i think, as my good friend confirmed to me tonight (male friend) that very often in these discussion we over-simplify men. they say they just have an "on" and an "off" switch. rubbish. guys have a lot more going on than that and i know it. i just feel that as we keep having these little "understand each other" discussions, we validate certain behaviors and make the genders feel that that is how they "should" behave because they have heard so much that that is what their gender is known for, ya know? i know we girls do crazy things. i know we are hard to understand. but guys insist they are every bit as scared of rejection and whatnot and that leads them to do crazy things, analyze behaviors, just like we girls do. like i said, im sure this lady has helped many clueless people navigate many a tricky situation, and i am not dissing her because i know she honestly wants to help us. but i sincerely want to know if im the only one that feels that we overtalk this (granted, its fun to talk about this stuff in small circles, but a lecture setting is different) and use the same examples over and over and it doesnt get us anywhere? ok now moving on, the next topic is kind of related and i think will require a completely different blog post. its one my roommate and i discussed. loving and being loved. she says that in every relationship someone loves more than the other. so would you rather be the one that loves more or is loved more? its a sucky question indeed. and im just not sure if i buy it yet. but its been interesting to ponder..... to be continued.
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6 comments:
Oh so true. People just need to just date and be straight forward, work through the speed bumps and overcome what is before them. If it doesn't work, be thankful that it was recognized. Always enjoy your post and smile Natalie. Keep smiling. ;)
So to answer the last question about love--I think she is right. I think there is always one who loves more and one who is loved more. But at the same time, I think it is fluid. (Or at least I hope it is) I guess I would say in healthy relationships it is fluid. Things are never equal. I find in my marriage it is never 50%. Or even both giving 100%. Some moments I give 5% (for whatever reason) and then the next moment I give 300%. And so it is the same for my husband.
And yes I agree about the over-generalizations. I think, at least it what I see, that both sexes have things in common and things different. But it is more about the person than the sex. Such as--introverts, extroverts-, ways we express love--etc. Do women or men have some general characteristics that are the same--absolutely! But when we start to generalize, we get into trouble. And this poor woman is probably really good at what she does--when she gets to deal with SPECIFIC couples. But I think we have been so accounted to being told--men are from whatever, women are different. (I can never remember the title) So bottom line--I absolutely agree with you. Just take moment to moment. Look for someone who naturally complements and challenges you. And don’t worry about categories or societal expectations. And don’t over think--which is something I do way too often, and not because I am a woman but because I am me. :)
Thanks for making think a lot--sorry for the ramble. Hope all is well. :)
sucky questions sometimes lead to realizations that somehow make everything a whole lot less complicated.
miss you roommate.
Well said, Natalie Jo.
Um...I love your rambling, and I agree with you 100% on everything you said. But like the old saying goes, "You're damned if you do, damned if you don't." Relationships suck, bottom line. They're difficult and frustrating and take a lot of time and effort. And basically, we're all just very lazy and selfish. Okay, maybe I'm speaking for myself only. There is something terribly wrong with our society today, and it is.... a mystery. We all need help, huge gigantic enormous amounts of help. So good luck.
On the loving note...I disagree. Any successful relationship is give and take, at different times and varying intervals. But in the end, it's fifty/fifty, an equal partnership, perfect interdependence.
I have never been the typical girl either, and, well, Doug is not the typical guy. Also, One person does love the other person more than the other, but looking at our relationship I think that it switches back and forth. Sometimes I love more and sometimes I am more loved.
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