inner monologue

is it just me, or does anyone else find the concept of our inner monologue fascinating? dont you ever wish you could listen in on other peoples inner monologues and see how closely it matches your own? what if you are WAY off and have an inner monologue that is way weirder than anyone else. ok, given the fact that we are all human here on the same planet, thats probably quite an unlikely scenario. i dont want to read minds. not at all. i think it would drive me nuts and frighten me im pretty sure. but it would just be interesting to get a snippet. does your inner monologue ever make you laugh? not because you remembered something funny, but because of the way your brain worded something that you thought? or just the fact that you had a certain thought out of nowhere? i sometimes work with people that have little to zero language ability. theyve had strokes, and they either cant express anything, or it comes out completely wrong, or they cant understand anything, or only very simple things, or any combination of those scenarios. and i often wonder what is going on with their inner monologue. cuz science tells me one thing... but, really? i just dont know.

a fine line... need your thoughts, people...

k folks, there are only a few loyal readers to this blog, but the majority of you are happily married people that i respect and i admire your relationships. yes, it appears ive departed from my originally intended "superficial blog"-ness. but whatever. its on my mind. and ya, sometimes its pointless and silly to talk and discuss too much about relationships and dating and "right-ness", and im sure when i meet "the right one" as everyone calls him, this will all be a moo point (yes thats right, it will be a cow's opinion :), but i just wanna throw this out and see what ya'll think. so, my recent dating intrigues have caused me to think. and i had a few epiphanies on my saturday morning run. ill share one. so it seems that very often, there is a very fine line between completely right for you and totally wrong for you. sounds absurd, but think about it. and, as my wise sis said (i think? didnt you say this part dana, or was it me? well, whatever) someone said that this rightness or wrongness can largely depend on what you choose to put up with or ignore. i have been interested in guys and trying to get to know them and overlooking some things that i wasnt too keen on cuz thats what we are supposed to do, right? cuz no one is perfect. so i focused on the good. but then as soon as its not working out or we break it off or just, whatever, well...suddenly those negative things combine and assault me with all their force and i get really and truly completely annoyed and disgusted with these guys. i know i know, sounds like bitterness because the relationship didnt work out. no. its not like an "i hate you cuz im all scorned and whatnot" kind of thing. i definitely dont hate them. i just am very aggrivated and have no desire to spend time with them. and just a few days ago i was totally into getting to know them and enjoying every moment with them. when considering them and some aspects of their personalities, id think, well thats very opposite of me, but that could be just what i need to even me out or make me better or whatever. like i said, i know yall are gonna say im overthinking this and when i find the guy, i wont have to consider all this crap. but i really dont know about that. im 29 people. ive dated a lot of different guys. and i just dont know if itll fall into place easily for me. anywho, so if you feel like giving me some help or your thoughts on this one, id love to hear/read it. i feel like this is a downer blog. this isnt a downer people, i just find it a fascinating concept. nothing really fun or blog worthy has happened lately other than dating haps/mishaps, so this is all i got folks. oh, and i bought an amazing state of the art GPS watch thing to track my pace and distance and all kinds of crap while running. and then i did a run with it and, well, it was just overkill for what i needed. and the one function i really needed to be accurate (pace) was not really. so it didnt do me a ton of good. so i took it back. which is not a very natalie thing to do. but i feel much better since i did. ill stick with my awesome, cheaper sports watch/heart rate moniter. its served me very well. sometimes, we really dont need new things that we really want to need. that goes for the google phone too. i want it bad. but im stickin with my dash. it loves me and i love it. the new down alternative pillows i bought at costco, however, have been a 100% awesome buy that i am grateful for every time i lay my head down.

why i love stina and shawn

i love old friends. friends that can pop in whenever they are in town and its awesome from the first second you see their faces until you hug them goodbye. you enjoy every catching up moment and it feels like they never left. i love it. stina and shawn are two such friends. and maybe now that im dedicating a whole post to them, they will have the guts to comment on here and not be blog stalkers :). heres why i love these people. i know i can count on shawn to wear flip flops, cargo shorts, and his sweatshirt , regardless of the weather. and i can count on stina to wear something cute and stylish and to have rad, unique hair that i would not like on ANYONE else but her. i know i can count on them to be non traditional, but not in a "look at how not traditional we are" kind of way, but just in a regular, this is who we are and what we do, cuz its what we want to do, take it or leave it kind of way. i love that they didnt stand up in the clark ward when their engagement was announced, even under pressure from the pulpit. i love that stina is amazing and made me feel like maybe i actually could give birth to my kids with no epidural (yes, all my sisters and sisters in law, i know you are laughing hard right now). i love that they make delicious food from natural ingredients and that stina uses not one, not two, but MULTIPLE cookbooks already. i still think about the amazing pizza you made me on a regular basis, stina. i love the memories of when they were here and how i was third wheeling it with them on their first sorta date thingy. i also love thinking about how delicious those amazing cupcakes were at their reception. i love people that are easy to hang out with and love. they are chill, relaxed, but extremely entertaining. shawn is the most mellow human ever born and stina definitely has the sass and energy to balance him out perfectly. its so easy to laugh and have fun with shawn and stina. its a given. and their 2 month old adorable baby boy, ira, is definitely a way cuter than average 2 month old. i wasnt just saying that you guys. he really is adorable. which is a relief because we all hate lying to the parents of ugly babies. so keep the cute ones coming, you two, cuz i dont ever want to have to lie to you! ok, well i have to go now. oh and to anyone other dear friends who read this, i love you too, and your day will come, with your very own blog post. today is just a very thankful for stina and shawn day.

the year thus far

so my year started out awesome. new years parties in the past have always been a let down. nothing particularly crappy happens, ive even gotten some rad random new years kisses, been in times square in nyc (did you know they freakin lock you in there from like 5 pm on, and you cant leave!? except i shmoozed a cop i think to get out to go to the bathroom at a bar then we decided it wasnt worth it and we wandered around nyc talking to random people for a while and then watched the ball drop on tv from our hotel in queens. it was hilarious. and satisfying. but thats not the topic of this blog, crap, i went off on a tangent) and whatnot. for some reason i always build new years up in my head every single year and then its just not great. so i decide to forego the usual young single adult dance and try something new. so i convinced a few other crazies to do a midnight 5k fun run (the "first run") in downtown portland. well, it was cold and rainy, but awesome. we ran along the river at night, protected by cops, which doesnt happen too often, so i have to take advantage of any midnight sponsored runs cuz i love night running. no new years kiss, but whatever. we then went to an after party and had amazing fondue and i played some old school contra on the nintendo. (i really and truly just cant get into the wii thing. sorry people, but i think you are all crazy for liking it so much. i just ...dont....see...it. the fun of it i mean. man im gonna get burned at the stake for saying this crap) anywho, good ol super contra, thats the way video games aught to be- just lazering big aliens with horrid graphics so you cant actually like see a realistic disgusting violent bloody scene like other games. man, contra really just brings back the memories of sleepovers back in the day, at rebecca's, with the hide-a-bed and butter mints. anywho, so that was new years. and although ive complained that its ridiculous that they hired another speech therapist at my facility, cuz they can hardly keep ME busy, it is sorta nice to just make the newbie work all the holidays. she doesnt mind, and hey i covered them myself for like 3 years so its time. anywho, so me and roommate just hung out most of the day. watched "elizabethtown" twice, our new years custom. what a fantastic movie. pure magic i tell ya. anywho, since that illustrious beginning to the year, the time has flown fairly uneventfully. i didnt sit down and write any resolutions. cuz they are silly and people like almost plan to break them. my goal making is ongoing. and i already have some big ones planned for the year, so i felt it unnecessary to sit down and write out some others just to say i did. my favorite gay nurse bff at work came up to me and asked "is your new years resolution the same as mine?" and i said "to get a boyfriend?" and he said "yup". but then i corrected him, actually mine is more along the lines of married and pregnant. in that order. and we chuckled. we chuckled a lot. but its true. i mean, its obviously not really my resolution, but its certainly what id love to happen this year. k not pregnant quite yet, but the marriage thing, well that wouldnt be so bad. i love my job people. im very lucky ive gotten to do all i have. but people at work (those that havent talked to me for more than a few minutes) assume that if you are an adult woman in a professional position, and you come across as confident and good at what you do, that you are a feminazi and that you curse men and marriage. no. no not me. my priority is marriage and family people, in case any of you were wondering. and then everyone asks, "well then why the crap are you so picky and why arent you married yet?" well people, because i havent found the guy im supposed to marry yet, thats why. its pretty simple. anywho, life is great. there has already been a lot of good music in my life in 2009. and i got to eat at fatty pattys with my roommate and her parents and i got to chip tile off our wall which was way cool. roommate got a little crazy when she was snowed in and started remodeling the kitchen. aaaahhhh roommate. i havent cut my hair yet. i resorted to watching videos of people chopping their hair on youtube (dont worry, i took breaks in between haircuts to watch "models falling down" videos as well.) ya, people, say it. im obsessed. i know it. but for the time being, im still growing it out. just for the h of it. and to see how creative i can be with my styles. i bought some amazing new boots that are crocheted with big buttons on the side and up to my knees. they are simply incredible. and worth the wait (thanks dana and dan for being my financial advisors). ok i gotta go clean now.

a fantasic watchless week

well, this post may not jive completely with its title, seeing as how i have much more than a week to catch up on. but i hope that you, the two or three friends or family members that read this blog, will forgive me for that. ill just run through some of the things that stand out to me from the last month. first off, and i know some of you (mike) are sick and tired of hearing me talk about running. but when i think back on the last month, well, of course my last half marathon comes to mind. usually i like to be superficial and meaningless on this blog. but i really learned something amazing. and its cheesier than every cliche and cheesy movie you have ever seen. but its true. and it was important for me. so ive been working hard training for this half. the other two i did this year were hard and fun, but i fell short of my goal both times which i really really hated. anywho, i had set some limits for myself in my mind and i was certain that there was no way i could do what i did. i didnt run super fast by any means. but i ran much faster than i thought i could for 13.1 miles, and totally demolished my goal time. people, do not put limits on yourself. its true. you really and truly never know what you might be able to do. yes, it seems silly, but it was an important moment for me. so theres that. i had a great thanksgiving with my roommate and her fam, which is a very eclectic collection of personalities i must say. i was thoroughly entertained and enjoyed myself with her kooky funny aunt and grandpa. december flew by fairly uneventfully...the usual fun old people stories, lost dentures in bras and the like. i won a toaster oven at our staff christmas party which was an historic moment for me. ive only won something that i really wanted one other time in my life- a limited edition yazoo single for being a member of EIS, or the Erasure Information Service. so that was pretty spectacular, and i did a good job avoiding the jealous looks from staff members that didnt win a big beautiful shiny toaster oven. we had insanely crazy weather up here (snow) which brought with it all sorts of excitement. i got to drive my roommate to work which was sorta fun. mostly cuz she freaked out every time i sped up faster than 15 miles an hour and yelled "are we sliding?!" or "is this ice?!?!" aaaahhhh roommate. we had a spectacular and well attended sweater party, with the most amazing egg nog ive ever tasted and lots of lovely sweaters. i lucked out with my christmas travels this year and made it out of pdx on one of the last flights before everything closed down. i wont bore you with details, but i almost got stranded in reno (thanks to my friends who kept me text entertained while i was sad and stressed about not getting to slc and advised me to put $20 on black while i was stuck in reno). anywho, i won over the nice lady at the southwest counter with my sweet vulnerability and she got me to slc. thank you lady. and she was so very patient too. i mean she was dealing with a lot of stressful things and annoying rude people and none of the things were her fault but she was so calm and nice the whole time. it made me feel good about people that are nice and can keep their cool always. it really makes life better. so i made it home, had a wonderful time with the fam. i got a freakin nintendo ds, which had never in my life crossed my mind and i didnt really know what it was, but turns out its pretty fun and awesome and thank you to my dear bro in law dan who wanted so badly to help choose a present for me this year (cuz usually he is left out of the equation when it comes to getting my presents) and did a fantastic job. ive never been a sudoku fan but lo and behold i really love it now that i have a cool fun little stylus to write with on my little screen. i got lots and lots of delicious candy, ate amazing homemade egg rolls, cinnamon twists, fudge. luckily there was a huge new gold's gym just down the street from my parents (not suprisingly, almost empty the three times i went. poky just doesnt strike me as a big gym going town) so i didnt go completely insane with inactivity. oh goodness what the crap am i going to do when i have kids and cant go to the gym all the time? i better freakin marry a really rich guy so i can have some decent workout equipment at home. oh and i actually really truly enjoyed driving in the very snow covered roads. i like a little slippage when there arent many cars around. oh yeah, church back home in vancouver got cancelled two weeks in a row cuz of crazy weather, but i got to go to church in utah so im pretty sure im more righteous than the rest of my ward right now. i wonder how long it will take them to catch back up. maybe never. hmmmm. the trip back to utah from poky was very scary, I 15 sucked, we almost slid into a flying J tanker that was sliding and fishtailing all over and i am not gonna go off on the ridiculous utah drivers that flew past us on the freeway in little tin can cars, cuz this is a happy blog. i had one last wonderful day with daney and dan and mason, the most adorable sweet one year old on the planet. i had to post a pic with him and his kissy lips. that boy likes kissing. oh my its precious. ya i just noticed i pretty much didnt take pics of anything but him. oh well. anywho, we had amazing sweet pork salads at costa vida and i must continue my search for a similar restaurant here in the couv cuz they are pretty much the most delicious food ever. my trip back to pdx was much less fraught with disaster than my journey to slc, and i was pleasantly surprised when i arrived at the airport by two wonderful people with cupcakes, chocolates and a balloon. (i was only gone for a WEEK! i love you people. i have the best friends ever) and then flowers and licorice from another friend a half hour later upon arriving home. honestly, it was almost a little bit more impressive than when i came home from my mission. but not quite, cuz you cant beat all the nieces and nephews with signs and balloons. sunday was business as usual, good meetings, etc. then sunday night, i realized i had not been wearing a watch over my whole blasted vacation and it was so wonderful, but monday....it would be time to put it back on and go back to real life. its always so bittersweet. its great to be home and have my stuff here and not be living out of a suitcase, and just be back to life. but also, i wasnt quite ready to go back to the daily grind. but thank goodness my daily is not too much of a grind. the old people always make me laugh, and it helped that i only had a 5 1/2 hour day. ya its a tough life. oh and my trip home makes me want to cut my hair so bad (thank you "what not to wear") cuz its so much more fun and easier. so heres a couple pics of hair id love to have but people wont let me have.

no outlet

while i was running tonight, i passed a dead end road that had a sign "no outlet" at the intersection. and i am amazed and a bit disgusted that this thought seriously crossed my mind: "i wonder if they put "no outlet" instead of "dead end" because they were offended at being called "dead" ends, like its offensive to them, the dead ends, or something". seriously??! seriously. thats the silly PC world we live in. and sometimes it really and truly annoys me.

the perfect storm......ish.

a gorgeous autumn evening in the northwest + awesome sleek new running tights + loud, incredible new music + a very emotional life situation + questions on my mind + lonely, unexplored suburban roads with lonely, beautiful mansions on them + pent up anger from someone smashing into my car in the parking lot + a solid chunk of uninteruppted time = a completely amazing run + passion for running outside reclaimed after 3 months of treadmill running + a good, bloody heel and bloody good hills + a very delicious and unexpected pina colada slurpee from a thoughtful friend