never say never

well hello there! dear friends and family how i have missed you. k before i launch into this post, im just gonna give you a glimpse into my psyche. messed up though it may be. i have had lots of good thoughts and ideas for posts in past months. but i just couldnt bring myself to just start writing them because when it is a topic that i care about, well i think that so often i just dont think i can accurately express what i am thinking or that i wont be able to do the topic justice, so i just dont start it. i just let it be. but i am committed to this one dangit.

so there is a phrase that i have found myself thinking and using a lot lately, mostly in regards to dating. and sometimes about life in general but mostly about dating. that phrase is "never say never". and that is the title of the justin beiber biographical flick. but we will get to that. but i am really a believer in the never say never idea. i have just learned that you really truly have no idea what things might happen and how things will turn out. pretty much it is never what you expect. sometimes better, sometimes worse. and with dating, wow. you just really dont know what might work out for you. back in my younger years, i would say that i would never date/marry a guy that was younger than i was. ha. ya i think we all know how that has gone. and there are many other scenarios that i, at one time, would have expected myself to freak out about and never consider as possibilities. but now i am surprised at how ok i am about these situations. i know i am being vague, but all i am saying is that with these mindset changes, i really dont think it is a matter of getting "older" and "desperate" or lowering my standards at all. i certainly dont feel that i have done that. its a matter of realizing that sometimes the unexpected is what i need. sometimes i really dont know what is best for me. and so i have to open mind and give the unexpected a shot. and sometimes people surprise you. sometimes they dont. sometimes they are exactly what you thought they were. but you just dont know so you gotta give it a shot. and in my crazy jacked up mind this also somewhat relates to what i have learned in the past 4 years of my training/running/racing craziness. you never know what you are capable of. i put the same limitations on myself as i do on other people. but seriously peeps, you can do way way more than you think you can. years ago i swore i would never ever even attempt to run a marathon. i didnt have the desire or drive. but then that desire and drive got there. somehow. and i literally did things that i never ever imagined i was capable of. and i am not anything special, that is the thing. we have got to push ourselves, push our limits to see what we really can do. sure i succumb all the time and let my brain tell me that i am too tired or weak to push up the last bit of hill. but i think i always know deep down that i could do it if i was willing to be that uncomfortable for that long. thats what its about. not a matter of capability necessarily, but willingess to be in pain, discomfort, for longer amounts of time. in my opinion thats a huge part of what makes world class athletes. obviously, incredible talent. but a part of that talent allowing yourself to be uncomfortable for a really long time. and how does this relate to justin beiber?! well folks, i think the movie is certainly a worthwhile watch. its interesting, dare i say a bit inspiring, and well, not gonna lie, there is some fun catchy concert footage. the kid is likeable for sure. but the story is simply amazing. ya there is a lot of crap in our world and a whole lot of jack-upped ness in society today. however, i do love that we are so accessible to each other. how youtube has completely morphed everything. and that it makes things like justin beiber's story possible. and the thing i love is that watching him sing, seeing how he was just absolutely a natural musical talent from childhood, and then seeing the performances, wow, its like the kid was truly born to do exactly what he is doing. i mean seriously, you cannot deny that it is an incredibly rare kid that not only has the incredible vocal and musical talent, but the confidence and just straight up guts to perform the way he does and handle the pressure of the pretty much overnight craziness that became his life. so anywho, believe it or not, i see all these items in this post as related in a very broad sense. and it is summed up i suppose in every cliche motivational speaker-y catch phrase. but its true. you just never know what you are capable of/what can happen. so never say never. and yes, for a blog post titled "never say never" i certainly used the word never a lot. im ok with it.

zumba. are you freaking kidding me. no, no i see that you are not.

ok. sorry its been so long folks, i dont know what to tell ya. i just dont make the time to blog often. sorry. but rest assured that all kinds of fun crap has been happening and maybe ill tell you about it when youre older. ok. zumba. all i knew about zumba before tonight was that its this trendy new exercise class that is dancy/mostly salsa-y latin ish. and its supposed to be a great workout. well. peeps. i did my first class tonight. a great workout it was not. a really really good laugh it most definitely was. holy buckets. ok first off i think most zumba instructors are female. and just so you know, gayness does not necessarily a good zumba instructor make. i learned this tonight. we walked in to class, and this guy was wearing cargo pants and a leather belt, i kid you not. who works out in cargo pants and a leather belt!? and on top, a little nike sleeveless workout shirt that mostly acted as a half shirt throughout the class. especially when he raised his hands up and grabbed his head and acted all seductive. and he would not stop touching his dang bare midriff. yes folks. every cliche icky sassy sexy move that is normally attributed to less than savory female dancers-he had it going on. all of it. he began with a series of silly step outs with SHIMMIES. ooohhh so many shimmies. but not regular flavor shimmies. one arm extended, the other in ballet form shimmies. i mean, i have some dance background and im a girl. and i felt utterly ridiculous doing this move! and he looked beyond utterly ridiculous doing it. wow. but he loved it. oohhh he loved those shimmies. he took off his little microphone 2 minutes into the class. so we were left to just watching him and trying to catch on to what the crap those sassy little legs were doing beneath their cargo pant cover. and half the time it was obvious HE didnt really know what his sassy little legs were doing. homeboy did have pretty dang good rhythm and could move those hips like nobody's business....so he kinda just relied on that. and gyrating. and lest you think that i was a zumba failure, he did take the time to come sashaying through the group and gave me an encouraging little "youre doing great!". was that because i was laughing at him so he was trying to butter me up? because i looked pathetic and he thought i was laughing at myself because i was getting confused at his moves? or was it because i truly am a zumba prodigy? ill never know. but wow, i was surprised at how not shy he was about watching himself in the mirror do all his sassy moves. oh man. so ya, i am pretty sure, in speaking with others, that not all zumba classes are like this. at all. and i think it has potential to be a lot of fun. music was great, and there was a little part that we did some jive type jumpy moves that were pretty fun. we even got a little flea hopping going on. but i cannot bear the uncomfortable awkwardness i felt watching this guy up there doing that snake whatever thing over and over and shaking that booty like ive never seen. sir, im sorry, i dont like to shake it like that. it makes everything jiggle. everything. i think most girls dont like that feeling. so, im firing you, cory, as my zumba instructor. but thanks for getting me back on my blog. and giving me something to talk about besides dating. oh, and sorry peeps, still dont have a camera. but i think the mental picture is quite sufficient on this one.

lets do this

ok its about time for another post. and as much as i would love to make it non-dating centered, thats sorta been the topic of my life lately. i mean, i go along, work is great. i enjoy the things i do daily. but it just hasnt been blog worthy. except the ragnar relay i did. that would have been a great blog post. but im not in the mood to recap that right now. let us discuss my new little project. operation master matchmaker. ok, so i blogged a few months ago about the terrible "man and woman differences" fireside thingy that we had. and i feel the need to inform you all, lest you be concerned that i had sworn off relationships in general after that annoying evening, that we had another dating coach fireside thingy. but it was a bajillion times more helpful. fantastic even. she was very knowledgeable and basically just talked about simple techniques and things specific to us as singles and how to get things started or moving along with the opposite sex. she talked about the main needs of men and women in a relationship, (men: to be trusted and useful, women: to feel safe and secure.....as i recall it) and it was overall helpful. but its tricky cuz she gave specific advice, but we were all with each other. the opposite sex. and the people with whom we would most likely be conversing/dating. so it would be tricky implementing this helpful information. so my friend and i were talking about the trickiness of dating and she just mentioned that arranged dating should happen more often. and the seed was planted and i decided to actually make it happen. i posted a facebook status asking who would be up for me arranging dates for them, and a bunch of guys responded. which is interesting. ummmm.....if you want to be dating, why arent you asking girls out? i have my theories. but anywho, i got enough of a response i decided to really try it. so im in the initial stages right now of Operation Master Matchmaker. i sent out facebook invites to all my single friends and just said, if you wanna play, let me know. i will just find two peeps i think would get along, send them both a message that says "be here at this time" and let them just meet and hang out for a bit. just makes it easier i think to just get out there and go on dates and realize it doesnt need to be some huge momentous thing. you go on dates to get to know people. and very often there are people you might thoroughly enjoy hanging out with but never would have thought/had the opportunity to meet. and some peeps have said they want to know more about the person before going out. but i think i will hold strong and keep it all confidential. cuz i figure, when someone sets you up, they always tell you all these amazing things about the person and why they are the perfect match for you. so of course, you have high expectations. very high. and very often, in my experience, that can lead to dissapointment. not that these people arent great or anything, but if you go into it thinking they are your soul mate, well it can just get trickier ( i realize i use many forms of the word "tricky" as a cop-out word when i dont want to find the exact perfect word for the situation. thats how i roll. just saying, i realize this, in case any of you felt compelled to chastise me. ok i know none of you actually would. and probably didnt notice. but i felt the need to disclose that. ok, back to my explanation..) so i figure, zero expectations equals zero dissapointment, right? and at least people will be getting out and meeting and going on dates. also, some of the matches i have made in the past, well, quite honestly i thought there was no way they would work. and they totally did. so you really never do know when people will hit it off and what will could make them a really great couple. it might be a huge epic fail. but at the very least, i think some good tales could come from this. and hopefully i wont lose any friends. and some of you may be thinking "wait, if she is so focused on setting up everyone else, does that mean she is done with dating? either giving up on it....or has she found the one?!" cuz usually thats how it works, right? someone meets mr/mrs right and are so blissfully happy they want everyone else to be as happy. well, dear friends, no that is not the case. i am not giving up on dating or getting engaged or anything. i continue to meet great guys and go on dates. and i will def keep you posted on that. but in the meantime, i figure why not. why not just try this experiment and see what happens. so there you go. let the matchmaking begin. ps i broke my camera months ago. so i havent taken/posted pics. sorry. how many of you actually notice the lack of pics and want me to make more effort? if anyone responds i will attempt to do as you wish. although, my posts dont really lend themselves to photos. they are all about my thoughts and crap. but if more pics would make any of you, my faithful blogreaders, happier, i will make it happen.

messity mess mess. but not without hope.

so roommate came to visit all last week and we had some good chats about stuff as usual. and it got me thinking. and then tonight for fhe we had a little lesson dealio from a "relationship expert" about "bridging the gap" between the genders. yes, a good, well-intentioned activity. but i came away from it wondering if we dont sometimes create more gap by beating these dead horses. am i the only one that feels they have heard the "why do girls go to the bathroom in groups" question/joke a bajillion times? and heres the thing: im not that girl. i dont generally go to the bathroom unless i need to go the bathroom. i have always felt i was a little less compassionate, a little more selfish, perhaps a little heartless because of this. but i just am not a fan of silly things like that. anywho, thats a side note, but as i just sat and listened to this lady, whom i am sure has helped many a struggling couple find common ground, i couldnt help but feel that all this stuff is just too cliche and overgeneralized to be helpful really. havent we all heard this?! havent we all gotten the silly email forwards about "what guys want" and "why women do such and such" and whatnot? its not that we dont know these things. its that it takes a lot of effort to do it. just like relationships in general. and quite honestly, i really dont buy a lot of it. it was mentioned that men cant "multitask" and women can. well guess what people, i kinda sorta dont believe in multitasking at all. i am efficient, i get lots of things done, but for anyone to claim that they can listen to, process, and understand two different streams of auditory input at once is just rubbish. people, we have limited cognitive resources, and if we spread them too thin, doing too many things at once, the quality of something is going to suffer. plain and simple. you will make mistakes, you will screw things up if you really honestly do several things at once. thats a beef ive had for a long time, so there you go. now, yes, of course there are absolute differences in men and women. im certainly not saying there arent. im just thinkin that most of the strategies and "gap building" skills she was talking about are just basic, being a good person and a good communicator skills. yes, one could argue that i am of course a woman, and i am right now venting which is an ironic perfect example of what the lady was talking about tonight, that we women need to vent. and yes im a woman, which means communication is perhaps a bigger deal to me and thats why i focus on it, but i dont think its just that. i think, as my good friend confirmed to me tonight (male friend) that very often in these discussion we over-simplify men. they say they just have an "on" and an "off" switch. rubbish. guys have a lot more going on than that and i know it. i just feel that as we keep having these little "understand each other" discussions, we validate certain behaviors and make the genders feel that that is how they "should" behave because they have heard so much that that is what their gender is known for, ya know? i know we girls do crazy things. i know we are hard to understand. but guys insist they are every bit as scared of rejection and whatnot and that leads them to do crazy things, analyze behaviors, just like we girls do. like i said, im sure this lady has helped many clueless people navigate many a tricky situation, and i am not dissing her because i know she honestly wants to help us. but i sincerely want to know if im the only one that feels that we overtalk this (granted, its fun to talk about this stuff in small circles, but a lecture setting is different) and use the same examples over and over and it doesnt get us anywhere? ok now moving on, the next topic is kind of related and i think will require a completely different blog post. its one my roommate and i discussed. loving and being loved. she says that in every relationship someone loves more than the other. so would you rather be the one that loves more or is loved more? its a sucky question indeed. and im just not sure if i buy it yet. but its been interesting to ponder..... to be continued.

year to date dating update

i know what you are thinking. oy. lookin at that title. it probably gets monotonous reading about my dating life. actually, what am i saying!? because a) i dont even know who "you" is these days when i address "you" because im thinking my lack of posts in the last months could have deterred the few peeps that were reading this blog and b) my dating life is anything but monotonous, lets be honest. not because im super desired or exciting or whatever but merely because when you reach my age, you tend to encounter/go out with ALL types of folks and that makes for entertainment. anywho, i just feel like doing a recap because honestly, ive tried to post a couple of times this year and just really havent had a thing to say. and im not in the mood to psycho-analyze anything or whatever....i really just have gone out with lots of great guys and felt like documenting the experiences. so, shall we begin? well, i said "year to date" so we will just go ahead and start with new years day. i worked a bit then headed up to a yurt in the uintahs for our ward snowshoeing trip. this was my first snowshoeing experience, btw, and well, lets just say i dropped a couple hundred bucks the next week for a nice pair. i loved it that much. so i trekked in with a few other folks, we got a bit lost, but i didnt mind meandering through the forest on a nice moonlit night with cool people. so we made it in to the yurt (i know you are probly wondering what this has to do with dating. wait ...for...it...). so it ended up that me and one other guy wanted to go on a late night moonlit snowshoe adventure. so we took off up the trail. it was fantastic and gorgeous. i absolutely fell in love with winter recreation/camping because everything just looks and feels so different. everything is still and peaceful and its just incredible. so that was fantastic. and yes, i definitely noticed that this guy was sooo much fun. but i thought, "he is so young (23), so whatever." sorta dismissed it. in the meantime, there were a bunch of blind dates that had been sort of accumulating (friends that said "oh i want you to go out with this guy. can i give him your number?"). so, names and times get sorta fuzzy here, but we will just say that I have eaten at the Thai place by my house with 4 different guys. (hey, if they ask where I wanna eat, its just simple and close and yummy, ok?) and i began to feel like a blind dating machine. i definately dont hate blind dates. i appreciate my friends and their desire for me to be happy. but it just gets a little old. all of them were great guys, not a single jerk in the bunch. but in comparison to the other dates that were happening at the same time, well it just made it hard to really consider them. and the funny thing is....the ones that i thought for sure would call...didnt. and the ones i wrote off have actually pursued. so ive come to the conclusion that with all my years of experience and wisdom ..i am worse than i ever have been at determining levels of interest and accurately perceiving guys' level of fun/enjoyment/interest on a date with me. anywho, so back to the "other dates" that were distracting me from enjoying the blind dates. so im gonna have to say that one of my favorites was the christmas tree burning. so, snowshoe boy, yes he asked me out the week after that yurt trip. and i was surprised but stoked cuz he seemed great. we went to dinner (at THE thai place, but it was funny because he picked that with no input from me. ironic) and a wedding reception which was a funny first date. but we already had plans to go snowshoeing the next morning (everyone else that was supposed to go flaked out so we decided it was a date) so it was sorta a marathon first date. (oohh that just made me wonder if anyone has ever done an actual marathon for a first date. huh. ya thats a bit much for even me. a 5k, perhaps.) so our morning snowshoeing excursion....well ill just say im blown away that he asked me out again after that because, well i had no makeup on, and when i exercise at all my nose gets way runny and i was just slipping and falling and snotting all over the place and being ridiculous, and wow. ya. defintely not my typical "date natalie" polite boring behavior. (for those of you that dont know about "date natalie...its my lame version of me. that usually comes out on dates, particularly first dates. and uuuusually mostly when i actually am interested. not always though. ps i am fairly certain that none of the these guys read this blog, but if you are, well, i just needed to document these months of my life. hope you dont mind. :) anywho, i think christmas tree burning came next. yes indeed. we had talked about the amazing smell of pine and how id never burned a christmas tree. so somehow we ended up on a freezing cold dark, very foggy night tromping around some frozen lake in bountiful finding the spot for christmas tree burning. we climbed through barbed wire, through snowy muddy fields, down a path, through some trees, over a frozen river (yes of course as i carefully descended down one side of the riverbank i absolutely slipped, flew up and yes, down right onto my bum. he just chuckled and came and helped me up. i had already had so many embarassing moments with this guy that i just didnt care at all anymore. which was nice. i should always do ridiculously awkward things at the beginnings of dates or whatever so i can just get it over with and not care. ) and we eventually found the designated "christmas tree burning spot" in the middle of a marsh that had become significantly marshier since snowshoe boy had last been there. but we forged ahead, used a whole box of matches and magically, on the last match, he got it to catch fire a bit and we savored that moment. it was pretty awesome for anyone who has never done it. anywho, time moved on, yada yada, we hung out, did stuff, insert random other dates and blind dates in here. alas, things didnt work out with snowshoe boy. im tired of blogging and its been so long since i posted so theres really no point to this other than to post. and not forget what ive done since i lived in SLC. so there you go. the end.

sissy's baby and favorites

well i just felt the need to write a quick update here, as the taste of delicious triscuits and candy cane hershey's kisses fades away (two delicious things im greatly enjoying lately). im just gonna talk about recent favorites. songs-stolen by dashboard confessional, kings and queens-30 seconds to mars, karma police -radiohead (thanks to my guitar teacher for reminding me of this one) fake empire-the national, straight away-mat kearney, gravity-sara bareilles. i am really really adoring my ugg boots right now. people, they arent overrated. they are truly fabulous and cozy comfy and i live in them and have actually slept in them cuz they are so comfy i forget they are on and then dont want to take them off when i realize im wearing them and worth every penny. contemplating buying a second amazing different pair but i know dana will give me a what for (whatfor? i dont know how to type that or if thats even the saying) if she reads this and i do. oy. my moroccan oil hair stuff. makes my hair feel like an amazing lil slice of heaven when after i use it and dry and straighten it. very cranberry scented oil mixed with holiday pine smell oil from body shop. amazing smells are never overrated. ok thats it for now. now, the baby. ill just start by saying ive never been around someone when they were in labor. and i was just chilling at my sissys on sunday night. and it just so happens that she was in labor. and it was crazy. and im glad it wasnt me. and so i slept at her house cuz mason obviously was asleep when they went to the hospital and he is the cutest little bug when he wakes up happy in the morning. we had a great time and laughed a lot just getting him dressed. anywho, my sis is amazing and my hero and did an amazing job and went and HAD that baby and he is precious and adorable of course and very quiet and i have seen his eyes a couple times and its so sweet and i love him and his little wrinkly neck when he stretches. life is good. thats all for now.

the awesomeness that is anne

its high time i devote a blog post to my friend anne jackman. and i dont even know where to begin or how to do it justice, but she is pretty much the most fantastic friend one could hope for. and i dont mean that in a trite insincere way. dead seriously, she is a wonderful person and i truly am blessed that she is my friend and has been for the past 15 years or so. and here is why, in no particular order. anne doesnt try to be anything she is not. she is straight up, straight forward, what you see is what you get. i never ever have to wonder about meanings behind her words or guess what she is thinking because i know i can count on her to be honest and give it to me straight. its so hard to find that! truly. i cannot tell you how much i value that in a person. and even moreso, the ability to be straight up but not ever rude. when you go to anne's house to stay, you know you will have delicious homemade-ness in many forms. holy crap the girl ASTOUNDS me with her culinary prowess. i am not even kidding you as i type this i am dyiinnnnggg for one of the incredible pumpkin cookies with perfectly brand new freshly whipped frosting that i had when i was down at annes for the marathon this month. holy frik. amazing. see, for me, i find a recipe or two that work and use them over and over. anne has a talent and interest in finding, creating, perfecting new recipes for friends and family on a regular basis and it makes me soooo jealous! she is so supportive of all those around her even when she may not understand what or why they are doing what they are doing. (like when i came down for the marathon and she had her kids make signs and came down to the course and waited and waited for me, or when we called her the morning after a rainy night camped out in a freakin old riverbed by her house and needed a warm comfy place to go) anne has a way with words. she thinks. she forms opinions. she cares about important things and asks opinions and gives hers and does it in such an eloquent way. she is always trying to do something to improve herself or help her adorable little family. she takes care of people. but not in a babying annoying way. she is organized and on the ball, reliable-the girl doesnt know the meaning of the word flakiness which is HUGE to me. she is passionate about so many things, loves what she loves, hates what she hates, and in that sense we are absolutely two peas in a pod. as years pass, i have pondered many times the reasons i keep in touch with certain people and not with others. it really is a lot of effort to keep in touch with people, and you simply cant really stay friends with everyone. but i stay friends with anne. because every single time i go see her or talk to her, i remember how much i value her friendship. we can always pick up and talk as if no time had passed since we have seen each other, even if it has been months or longer. and it is never obligatory. it is absolutely delightful every time because she always has interesting things to say. and fun. the girl is fun and funny and clever and tells stories like no other (i absolutely nominate her as the one friend of mine that needs to have her own column in a magazine). there are sooo many other things i love about the girl and memories and reasons why she is fabulous. this post doesnt do her justice, but suffice it to say that she is an absolute gem and i hope to call her my friend always. because she IS awesome.